Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Knock knock! Who's there? Daisy! Daisy, who? Daisy me rollin, they hatin.

   I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.

   Man, kids really do ask some tough questions. One just came up to me and said “what’s Nicolas Cage’s worst film?” I mean how do you even answer that?

   When you tell a lie, think of it as peeing in the pool. Let it out slow. Don’t let facial expressions give you away.

   Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

   I wonder what the application process is like to get on the Instagram Council?

   Considering the hours I keep. I am awake while you sleep. Incase of a national disaster leave me your numbers and I will call you to wake you up so you can evacuate. . .

   I've had an awesome life and I still haven't needed to use algebra. Who was the a-hole who made up a useless subject like this to be tested in on is school, did I mention they were an a-hole. . .

   The way you're bashing your laptop keyboard is how your life is going.

   The way you're bashing your laptop keyboard is the way your life is going.

   A weekend getaway is a nice way for couples to argue with different scenery.

   Turtles should be taught to use skate boards when crossing the road. . .

   BTW,,,, Pinocchio's family tree is just a maple

   "Old Macdonald had a farm,,, Had."............ * Bank of America

   How to fall down stairs,,,, Step 1... Step 4... Steps 5,6,7,8,9...

   Honestly,, I don't think I can stomach stomach stomach stomach any more cow jokes

   Russian and Ukrainian troops in Crimea are involved in a tense stand-off. The latest reports are that France has already surrendered....

   I'm giving up procrastination for Lent starting tomorrow.

   You know you're country, when the smell of a dairy reminds you of Oreos.

   I don't know what Ash Wednesday is, but you've got some sh*t ok your forehead