Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A new study reveals that parents who spend more time on their smartphones have more negative interactions with their children. While parents who spend less time on their smartphones are really mad that they forgot their charger.

   I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work.

   Went to see 300 Rise of An Empire last night. After that Athenians sex scene, I realized alot of Empire was rising in the theater. The Men sat down and watched the credits all the way to the very end!

   There's a band called 1023MB, They haven't had any gigs yet!

   Warm weather brings out the non tax payers outside

   My girl has been asleep for 14 hours now. I'm debating trying to wake her in case she's dead. But then again if I do wake her up I'll then be dead..

   You deserve an Oscar for your portrayal of someone pretending to be in a relationship!

   There is a fine line between fishing and standing on shore looking like an idiot

   When ever I think about the past,,, It brings back so many memories

   going for shots this morning. the dogs are getting rabies and I'm getting starbucks

   I've been embarrassed by my weight since, I dunno...it was first listed on my birth certificate.

   Kim Jong Un unanimously won an election which had a 99% voter turn out. In other news, North Korea's economic report is out and shows a 1% increase in dog food production..

   Roman Soldier walks into a bar , holds up 2 fingers and says "Five beer Please"

   And reason number one Why you should not put your daughter in basketball..... someone in the basketball world will refer to her as a great ball handler and then the fight begins.

   Good Morning Good afternoon and good evening ....in other words its all good

   It pays to network: today, take time to call up every one of your business associates and just tell them that you love them.

   Please hold, your call is important to us. Not “hire more operators” important.. But like “if you need to hang up, that’s cool” important

   Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”

   Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years

   I’ve set my “life goals” to stuff I’ve already done so literally every day now I’m overachieving. It’s all about perspective.