Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a guy calls you hot, he is looking at your body. When a guy calls you pretty, he is looking at your face. When a guy calls you beautiful, he is looking at your heart. All three guys still wanna fuc& you, though.

   I give up on life when I picked up this girls phone and saw my contact name as FREE FOOD.

   Who remembers when a quarter was worth 12 dollars. I could buy a pack of cigarettes, a can of Pepsi and a bag of chips for a quarter. . .

   Calling it his "junk" is probably the least sexy thing a guy could do...

   Does anyone realize the people running the planet are ruining the planet, or is it just me. . .

   Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil...

   just realised why my day has been full of people unable to express what they want, failing to consider anyone other than themselves and with unrealistic expectations. Happy International Women’s Day everyone.

   The passengers of flight 370 shouldn't trust Jacob...

   I don't care what President, beef jerky flavor, fruit, car, drink, beer, boat, pop tart, or actor I am supposed to be. I am me, that should be enough....

   On a scale of P0rn hub to The Notebook, how romantic are you?

   Ladies; If your cat dont like him he aint da one.

   does getting a girlfriend mean I have to wear pants everyday because I'm not ready for that type of commitment

   going to convince my neighbours that I've installed a sauna by going to my shed in a dressing gown...

   I'm not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.

   I just shook my keyboard upside down... Breakfast is served.

   Those who think they don't have a good face, should master Adobe Photoshop

   To my future kids: You'll start off with a flip phone. Idgaf if the iPhone 15 is out by then, you're gonna know the struggle.

   X says Well, it's easy to tell I'm single. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...

   playing Mario & entering the castle.... of course I got a girl on Friday night....forever alone

   Maybe Voldemort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.