Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   IKEA is Swedish for "If you tell me it's not level again, I'm going to smash your head with this hammer,,,, Well then, JUST DIVORCE ME SUSAN"

   I lost my virginity when I was 9 while attempting an over-ambitious Pogo Stick trick.

   My signature move is to slightly caress my wife for 4 months until one day she sighs deeply then seductively calls out "fine, just hurry up"

   Chocolate makes dogs REALLY tired. Mine's been sleeping for three days!! I don't want to wake him... So cute!

   Pro tip - I'm not convinced any of you are qualified to give pro tips.

   Remember before facebook when thoughts stayed in people’s heads?

   Dear iTunes and Adobe, Would it not be more time efficient to just tell us when you are NOT updating?

   Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   I saw on the news that Flavor Flav is 56 years old today, and had two immediate thoughts: 1. How the F$%^ did Flav manage to take care of himself for 56 years? 2. F$%^, I'm old.

   whats the difference between a plane & in-laws? the whole world is worried about a plane when it's missing

   You can get away with anything at Costco if you wear a hairnet

   Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards

   People! Relax! Subway foot longs ARE foot longs. You just have to measure from the balls.

   maybe this whole missing airplane is a Jimmy Kimmel prank taken too far.

   I'm just chilling tonight with my new plane............. Oops, I've said too much.

   We all have a drawer by the sink filled with junk. Can you please check your drawer for a Boeing 777

   heard bieber was supposed to be on the malaysian flight... sigh...

   it wrong to put eggs in chicken salad? It just seems wrong...

   Someday I wish I could have been on the maylasia plane.

   Maybe that missing plane is wherever our lost socks are??