Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A zombie friend of mine entered the NY city marathon,,, And if you MUST know,,, Yes, He came in dead-last

   A woman who was shopping at my store today called me a "Living Doll"..okay she actually called me Chucky, but.....

   Adult gummy Melatonin: because while fat, drunk and stupid might be the American norm, fat, drunk, stupid and sleep deprived is unacceptable.

   To My Future Wife: When I die, I want you to mix my ashes in a bowl of chili, then eat it. Just so I can tear that ass up one more time.

   Can someone please unfriend me ? My friend count is on an uneven number and it is making me anxious.

   Trust me on this one. Ever notice when first meeting a woman the first thing she does is size up a mans crotch. . .

   Justin Beiber hates being told she's talented, and I can sympathize... I hate being told she's talented, too.

   At my funeral, I want you guys to read my jokes... That way, everyone feels a little bit better about me being dead.

   You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk. . .

   I want my hour of sleep back.

   Dear Customer Service, I'm happy to inform you I've written this whole email with my middle fingers. _|_

   If I wasn't supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn't have made it taste so good with orange juice

   Yes, I'm mad. Yes, I know I have no right to be. Yes, I'm overreacting. No, I don't know exactly what I'm mad at. - Women.

   Our relationship is so special we will not cheapen or desecrate it by putting it all over Facebook.

   What do you mean you don't want to have sex? You smiled at me and everything.

   "Love me. Love me more. More. More. More! Damn you over did it, bye!" - Women

   You had me at "I can't have children."

   Could schizophrenia be just a permanent high burnt in the brain from smoking too much? So permanent high?

   And for my next trick, I will turn your panties into ankle warmers.

   I don't always hate Monday, but when I do it's usually the Monday after the Spring Daylight Savings Time change.