Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a fine line between fishing and standing on shore looking like an idiot

   When ever I think about the past,,, It brings back so many memories

   going for shots this morning. the dogs are getting rabies and I'm getting starbucks

   I've been embarrassed by my weight since, I dunno...it was first listed on my birth certificate.

   Kim Jong Un unanimously won an election which had a 99% voter turn out. In other news, North Korea's economic report is out and shows a 1% increase in dog food production..

   Roman Soldier walks into a bar , holds up 2 fingers and says "Five beer Please"

   And reason number one Why you should not put your daughter in basketball..... someone in the basketball world will refer to her as a great ball handler and then the fight begins.

   Good Morning Good afternoon and good evening ....in other words its all good

   It pays to network: today, take time to call up every one of your business associates and just tell them that you love them.

   Please hold, your call is important to us. Not “hire more operators” important.. But like “if you need to hang up, that’s cool” important

   Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”

   Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years

   I’ve set my “life goals” to stuff I’ve already done so literally every day now I’m overachieving. It’s all about perspective.

   My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments to make them look crazy.

   The closest I've come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.

   “Friendzoned“ should be a relationship status on Facebook.

   I'm amazed at the high cost of meat lately. I went to the grocery store to buy a beef roast but sadly discovered that they don't have lay away.

   Please lets stop making stupid people famous and financing their stupid lifestyles.

   If someone mistakenly Ass dials you then technically it's considered a booty call.

   A zombie friend of mine entered the NY city marathon,,, And if you MUST know,,, Yes, He came in dead-last