Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   O.J Simpson has vowed to never stop searching for Malaysian Flight 370.

   I bet Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs has a crapload of W2s

   Listen Nyquil instructions,,, YOU are not the boss of me.

   "2 women were sitting together quietly...."

   NO Relationship Is Perfect, So You Might As Well Pick The Perfect Person To Go Through Hell With.

   Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to until she got that restraining order.

   I guess you could call her a trophy wife. She’s tattooed with the names of the previous winners.

   My six year old nephew asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.

   Watching the Walking Dead and eating strips of Tri-tip soaked in BBQ sauce is turning out to be a horrible decision.....

   I don’t mind holding my wife’s purse. It’s the only time I get to be close to my balls.

   Apparently, I tip hotel maids by forgetting my iPhone charger every time I check out. Every. Single. Time.

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

   I'm glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn't do the whole dictionary

   Calm down R&B singers nearing the end of your songs

   If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you wagging its tail, you're in love with a dog & it probably just had to sh*t.

   IDEA: pizza that comes in a box made of ice cream cone material so you can eat the box too.

   Warm weather brings all the crackheads out.

   Ladies, it’s easy to change a man. Just nag him constantly. Then you can watch him change from happy to bitter before your eyes.

   My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

   Today is the 25th birthday of the World Wide Web. What the hell did people do 26 years ago??