Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when I catch a spider in the house, I tie him up and waterboard him. Then I throw him outside so he can tell his friends not to fu<k with me.

   When my phone rings while I am am holding it in my hands, I feel like they can see me ignoring their call.

   I thought VH1 was showing an episode of The Golden Girls, but turns out it was an interview with Steven Tyler, David Bowie & Keith Richards.

   I only drink alcohol because there aren't enough ways to eat it.

   I sneak alcohol into work because I'm a problem solver.

   Listen, if I wanted to compromise I'd just tell you how it's gonna be.

   Don't you find it strange Kim Jong-il has a new Boeing 777 flying around North Korea?

   I only smoke weed as a safety service for the general public.

   It's cool to put someone else's genitalia in your mouth but if I eat a dorito that I have picked up off the floor I am weird.

   Doing yoga has given me more respect for all the positions I've put women in.

   To address the rumors, yes I am in love, yes it's with Tacos, and no you can't judge me.

   Single women wearing matching bra and panties; I am sure the inside of your clothes really appreciate it.

   Terhuj bloody hassjth for gholpy draboplish wankers figli. Haha -Ozzy Osborne

   My life's not always.. 'Fun and games' Sometimes it's too much whiskey annnd... Oops.. Wrong hole!

   You lost me at, ‘We need to talk’.

   The one thing they never warn you about, but really should.. is that when you get older, cramp during masturbation is a very real danger.

   Women should come equipped with traffic lights. That way guys would know when to stop, when to proceed with caution, and when to go hard.

   If they feel the need to point out your flaws, THEY might be your biggest one.

   Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because NO ONE IS HITTING SNOOZE WHEN THEY HEAR THAT

   The earth was made from God's recipe so its only fair that he takes responsibility for everything that is wrong with it. Blame the chef.