Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are experts at knowing what you really meant.

   Dollar store pregnancy tests: For when you sorta wanta know

   Once she gets out of the 'spraying my face with mace' phase in our relationship she will get a better understanding of my love for her

   I only laugh halfway to the bank. That's when I remember I don't have an account. Then I cry all the way to the bar.

   What a great time to be alive. If this was 100 years ago I might randomly catch polio, get drafted to fight in WWI or be someone’s slave.

   When your girl accuses you of something just say "My mother was right about you." That will transfer attention from you to your mother.

   Everybody in the rap game are either Big or Lil', leaving a ferociously untapped "medium" market.

   At lunch, I thought the meat at Taco Bell was green for St. Patrick's Day,,, but I am now second guessing that assumption.

   Every stamp is a food stamp if you eat stamps.

   Names of missing plane's pilots announced: Wer Ar Wi and No Wan No....

   Umm, your honour? In my defence,,, I think it was a pretty decent exposure.

   Old MacDonald had a farm, EIEIO.... He couldn't produce on the scale required to make a profit at current market prices and got foreclosed, EIEIO...

   'tipsy' is not in my vocabulary... It's 'drunk' or 'sober'.

   everything that glitters is not gold and every wing isnt chicken

   Black mothers be like "your dad was on that Malaysia flight."

   One time I lost my phone for 6 days, so I feel your struggle Malaysia.

   Maybe that plane doesn't want to be found, have you ever think about that?

   What if they're looking for a "ping" but it's really a "pong?" Airplane jokes are really the in thing.

   Bobby, that Facebook is the Devil! But mama, she showed me her status and I liked it too!

   "All I asked was for a sandwich and a BJ"....... - My Tombstone