Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies,probably because generally they are the same people!

   A lot of people cry when chopping Onions......the trick is not to form an emotional bond

   I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA!

   Woke up at 5 am. Early to bed early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Not to mention completely delusional about being healthy, wealthy, and wise.

   Ok super positive people, just calm down…not everything is a Gift, a Blessing or a Miracle.

   She might look sweet and innocent until you end up hog tied to a bed naked with a gag in your mouth because you were 'naughty and tried to get away'!

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It's now a Walmart.

   It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries

   Girl browsing on Tinder: no, no, no, no, yes....Guy browsing on Tinder: yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes

   I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.

   There's been a Boeing 777 in my backyard since March 8th, anybody missing an airplane?

   Anyone else find it slightly suspicious that a massive plane's gone missing over the same ocean that Bin Laden's floating in.....?

   What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?......... *Asking for my 2 year old

   Realizing my office stash of vodka is gone... this is what it feels like when doves cry.

   All that glitters is not gold; its got daddy issues.

   I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.

   They just interviewed Jimmy Hoffa of Fox News about the missing plane.

   Remember girls your mouth can't get pregnant.

   If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.

   I'm a lover of music and music has never betrayed me.