Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I was born during the wrong time in history. I woulda been hot as a cavewoman.

   Maybe Aliens have not visited us on earth yet because they're all females and they want us to make the first move.

   But sir, in your bio it is clearly mentioned that you are funny. How then?

   Hey look at me! Hey Stop staring at me weirdo! - women

   So apparently your girlfriend isn't supposed to have an Adams apple. Guess that's why she only wanted an@l.

   No thanks, bodybuilder chicks with clits that look like a baby's pen*s

   ~ Creationisn: Because it's easier to read and believe one book than read several ones based on scientific fact.

   I'm sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can't I do the same for Easter!!!??

   Creationism vs. Darwinism: I love science, yet until they can settle the age old question, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"....I'm siding with Creationism.

   Change your wifi password to blowmefirst, then wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

   Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should haved died in 1732.

   I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor

   "I'd like to apologize now for not liking your posts that I" stole as an update or ..

   If it's fat, drunk, and slow, it must be Chicago

   It's hard to be your prince charming when you'd rather just fool around with all 12 of the dwarves.

   BREAKING NEWS: Vladimir Putin moves two Boy Scout Troops to the Russian/Polish boarder. France surrendered

   I got the moves like Jagger, and the medical bills to prove it.

   Being married means you never hav--- WOULD YOU QUIT CHEWING SO GODDAMN LOUD?

   I wonder if Ralph Wilson's funeral will be blacked out?

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, "There really is no bad time for a beer" has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.