Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.

   I'm going to get drunk white girl annoying tonight.

   If your boss says we have to be more flexible in this department be afraid. Be very afraid.

   If she doesn't arch her back for you during sex, she is just no that into you bro.

   It's really difficult to take your argument seriously with your extreme use of emoji's.

   When one's heart is filled with the desire for earthly things, there is no room left for the spirituality of God.

   " Don't forget to provide love and support to someone that has absolutely no interest in you today." I don't guarantee your front teeth after that.

   Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.

   What if somebody finds the missing plane tomorrow but no one believes them because April fools....?

   There once was a man from Nantucket, whose name was Dave. Real nice guy. Gave me some great directions on how to get to Applebee's.

   Got a new video card to play Minecraft still doesn't look any different...

   Come on snooze button, is 5 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.

   Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she's still there.

   8 out of 10 men don't understand women, the other 2 want to be them.

   You have 3 options: (1) Kiss me. (2) I kiss you. (3) Chloroform.

   I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.

   Once I asked myself, "What would Jesus do?". I almost drowned that day.

   The movie “Noah” comes out this weekend. It follows the story of a family trying to survive God's wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that's more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.

   Anyone up for making some "debris", throwing it into the Gulf of Mexico after midnight, and saying that we found the missing plane? #AprilFoolsJoke

   Dog catcher called. He said my dog was chasing someone on a bike. Can't be my dog. He doesn't have a bike.