Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hotel showers have 2 settings. It's either "gently peeing on you" or "DEAR GOD, THIS IS GOING TO RIP MY NIPPLES OFF!"

   I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.

   Not only am I a master of suspense but I

   One day, you'll be just a memory for some people,so do your best to be a good one.

   Why do all you women brag about multi-tasking. You need to chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once

   .... All I ever want is to make you smile ..... Well, That ..... and maybe some bacon ..

   Asked my 65 yr old father if he believed in gay marriage. His response "I saw my friends die for freedom. That means freedom for EVERY American."

   Don’t count on your chickens before they are hatched; before getting on our nerves and receiving a punch from us.

   Too many Stalkers not enough bullets

   What do I have to do to get sent to your room?!

   NFL announces no more goal dunking allowed. Oakland Raiders reply with a public statement: "No effect on us."

   redneck version of ChromeBook ....go to the library & get a book....wrap duct tape all over the covers....you chromed your book

   Just wanted to quickly thank Ashton Kutcher for taking responsibility for Mila Kunis' pregnancy. My wife would have killed me.

   I'll only date you if all my friends and family hate your guts. - girls

   Everything I can't have is overrated... including you.

   Time Warner was voted America’s worst company in an online poll by the blog Consumerist. I have to say, I’m kind of surprised that Time Warner customers were able to get online.

   Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.

   You look crazy, here's my ex's number.

   The old saying "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.

   I'll think I'll bring my taser to work today to liven things up a bit.