Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I forced a hot dog into my mouth... and now I have an erection.

   Just so I'm sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.

   We still don't know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS

   my doctor told me to stay off alcohol until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 98 twitter followers, what does he even know?

   After all these years of working in I.T., I have come to the following conclusion: "Dilbert" is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.

   PETA is after me. I made Tuna Fish Soft Tacos. I used Dolphin-Safe Tuna, but All-Porpoise flour. THAT'S FUNNY...SHADDAP!

   I am more convinced than ever that we are fast approaching the idiocracy...that epochal tipping point in our development, where stupid people set the agenda for humanity

   Last week I applied for a job with the state and had to take an IQ test before I left. In today's mail from them was a rejection letter, a get well card and a $20 bill.

   Image makeover idea #1: Haiti should rename itself Likey.

   says people with children always ask when you're having children like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.

   I spend like 82% of cleanup time trying not to say "or it gets the hose again" after telling the kids to put toys in the basket.

   my 3 year old boy just informed me that "they nailed Jesus to a plus sign"

   why is my writing white in the search bar up by the find status?

   very special day today... just for atheists... Happy Fool's Day!!

   I hate when I tell someone I'm bored, and they suggest getting together. Then I have to explain that I'm not quite that bored.

   I'm relationship intolerant.

   I was gonna tell you that you're an idiot, but I think I'll just let my silence do the talking.

   It's like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.

   My April Fools day joke blew up in my face. I threatened divorce. My wife agreed.

   Only fools fall in love, so today's the day!