Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I notice a stranger eavesdropping on my conversation I get really excited because for once someone other than my beer can is listening!

   When I see a drink written “non-alcoholic”, it makes me feel very violent.

   Easter is coming up soon. the parents with multiple kids are kinda lucky......you'll have more than 1 chocolate bunny in the refrigerator & we know they like to reproduce.....never-ending supply of chocolate

   Compassion is the basis of morality.

   New research shows that seniors can improve their memory by looking after their grandchildren once a week. Because nothing improves a person’s memory like frantically trying to remember where they left their grandchild.

   Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 88 years old today. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin.

   "Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine."

   What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They both can smell it, but can't taste it.

   My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually...damn. Thats a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst..

   sitting here laughing while putting marijuana seeds in a bird feeder

   I've just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I'm still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself

   You know it was a fun night when you wake up the next day with a priest above you shouting "The power of Christ compells you."

   Some crazy mofo in face paint and arm bands just crashed through the Pearly Gates and power-slammed St. Peter. Badass!

   Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

   This vacation ain't nothing to write home about.

   Underestimate my crazy to activate my crazy.

   If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.

   Just remember that you don't own anything that won't burn.

   Be generous with time! Use as much of it as you can by telling people to get the f cuk out of your face!

   Somehow she tracked that fart back to me....and that's how I met your mother.