Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.

   No one will think you're boring if you walk around all day wearing a deployed parachute

   I love when people make a photo of their kid as their Facebook profile pic so it's like a baby is screaming about gun rights.

   There's a small section in Paul Ryan's budget plan that makes it legal for the Koch brothers to hunt poors. Google it.

   Rush Limbaugh says CBS hiring Stephen Colbert is an "assault on traditional American values," like drug use, gluttony, sexism and lying.

   Sometimes I use words I don't understand so I can sound more photosynthesis.

   A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.

   Women who believe 'the way to a man's heart is through his stomach' is why divorce lawyers are so rich.

   I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I'm not a good liar.

   A selfie a day keeps the daddy issues at bay

   Don't forget to tell someone you miss them just because you're horny today

   I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.

   Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you break the monotony.

   Dear Smart Phone, I would really wish if you spent more time with me than your Charger

   I wish everyone a happy new year, and hope you all have a great 1982. With love, from everyone here at the alzheimers society.

   My heart says yes but my wife says no!

   Well I thought about texting you first and it’s the thought that counts

   Pro Tip: If you serve meth at a party, you don't have to buy food. Serving pot on the other hand has the opposite effect.

   When Obama became POTUS, I had nothing. 6 years later, I still have most of it....

   Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.