Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "She's cute I swear, let me find a better picture." – Me telling my friends about my new girlfriend.

   People who tell you something then they say "nevermind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers.

   Some people would make horrible serial killers because they wouldn't be able to resist the urge to take pics of their victims and murder scenes and post them on their FB and tagging people in it.

   Sex so good you forget which species you are.

   When I was growing up we didn't have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear.

   Next week Google will give the public the chance to buy its $1,500 Google Glass. Finally ending the stereotype that people who wear glasses are smart.

   Blues Clues taught me that getting mail was fun and exciting, they sit on a thinking chair of lies

   If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

   I visited my Proctologist today & he informed me that my condition might be rectified

   The stripper was getting tired of the same old thong and dance.

   A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

   I don’t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He’s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.

   A secret handshake will get you into the "Beyond" section of Bed Bath & Beyond. Includes videogames, beer & lightsabers. Ask for Steve.

   How come we pay guys millions a year to toss a ball around, then when our teachers ask for a raise, we say they already make enough

   When you have a side chick is that a mutual agreement? kind of like a mutual agreement between a boyfriend n a girlfriend? she agreed to just be the side chick or do she just not know she is? how does this work? asking for a friend....

   This bar doesn't know it yet, but it's about to be karaoke night.

   Why is our society failing?.. Because the slow gazelle doesn't get eaten anymore.. *see kiddie soccer.

   Hey .... I just realized that kangaroos are just little T-Rex deers ...

   The Braille on the drive-thru ATM should say "Congratulations for making it this far... but, why the fck are you driving?"

   Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!