Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have had it with Jimmy Crackcorn and his blatant apathy!

   Asked coworker what she was going tonight? She replied, drinking. I meant for Good Friday. She said dont worry, I'll pour one out for him.

   Corporate says we are having a half day at work today for 'April Day'. It's 2014, we can't even say Good Friday anymore? Society.

   “It’s a frapp!” - Admiral Ackbar, Starbucks barista.

   Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life

   It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn't go out of business or something.

   Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?

   FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”

   New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace

   I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.

   I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting

   I don't like your gluten-free attitude

   If cats could deliver pizza, I would be pretty much done with all human interaction.

   On a scale of one to forgets to breathe, how stupid are you?

   All of me wants none of you.

   I wonder if bank robbers have a safe word?

   Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

   This dream is just beginning. Please let me sleep.

   I think I will dye some Easter eggs white this year

   Dude, it's just another Friday. I would expect the religious ppl to be at work on time as well.