Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We've all seen that person on Social Media who likes to debate things as if they are a college professor. Dude...you're arguing with someone who uses "dat"

   I read today that when you have sex, you burn as many calories as running five miles. Who the hell runs five miles in two minutes??!!

   My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.

   important status announcement - bacon sandwiches

   When Chelsea Clinton has her baby, do you think Bill is going to celebrate with a cigar?

   Pro tip: the kids run around a little longer of you forget to hide the eggs

   Twitter is the gym membership of the internet

   Liars are like regular people except I want to hit them with a baseball bat.

   Find someone you're good at.

   It's a beautiful day for a nice run to the liquor store.

   My wife is breaking up with me because of my masturbation addiction… Boy do I feel like a big jerk.

   For every cigarette you smoke God takes away 1 year of your life and gives it to Hugh Hefner.

   If only life was as easy as getting fat.

   I tickled someone behind closed doors... now my giant dong is gone.

   I've took notice my Wife keeps scribbling in her diary that she thinks I'm to nosey

   Most of the lies I tell aren't even true!

   I advise you...don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.

   Why did the turtle cross the road? ...To get to the shell station!

   Have you ever been so drunk that you think its 1999?

   People who don't return the favour during oral sex are the real terrorists.