Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All the Christian festivals revolve around chocolate & presents. Almost as if they're trying to lure kids in for some reason.

   So the clown at my kid's birthday party has been pulling a CVS receipt out of his sleeve for the past 20 minutes..

   My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.

   You can pour coffee into the reservoir marked “water” on your coffee maker. You can do this as many times as you want!!! Science!!!

   Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.

   I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel's program "Deadliest Catch" wasn't about first marriages.

   My bologna had a first name, but his adoptive parents changed it. If you're reading this, Oscar, just know: not a day goes by I don't think of you.

   I came in like a wrecking ball. Then I realized I had the wrong house. My bad.

   An oversized kitten blessed me with a gigantic ballsack

   Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!

   And God promised men that good wives would be found in all corners of the world,,then He made the earth round and laughed and laughed

   ...... Today is 4-21 .... National Surprise Drug Test Day!

   Jury duty? Want to get out of it? Remember those four little words..."The spud did it."

   Mary had a little lamb last night. I had a big lamb. My fat ancestors are dead.

   Yes Timmy,, The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons............ but mostly morons, the universe is FULL of morons..

   I wonder if the serial killers use facebook. Jeffrey Dahmer : "Had a couple friends over for dinner last night"

   People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.

   if someone is bipolar & bisexual, are they a "quad"?

   Angel on my shoulder needs to shut up.

   Reflecting on my life... I'm really surprised I haven't been shot in the face.