Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things were going good, so of course I f cuked it up by being myself.

   Sir your resume just says 'FUN' in huge letters and then you list all the crimes you've committed.

   Ladies: Anything is a d ildo if you're brave enough

   Earth Day sounds like birthday, and that just makes me want cake. So thanks for making me fat Earth Day

   Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

   The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least that's what this restraining order says.

   What insensitive jerk called it a "lisp" and not a "lithp"?

   I think Netflix would work great as a college dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who also watched Pokemon for 12 hours straight"

   Why Do Women Wear Floral panties? In Loving Memory Of All The Faces That Have Been Buried Down There.

   Kanye West is being sued by a woman who claims to have given birth to his love child. Kanye took it all in stride, however, since he has a history of being in "arrears" with other women

   My reaction to the royals William and Kate visiting Australia is the same reaction I had to their kid being born. I couldn't give a f you c k!!

   Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.

   It's always a shame when someone dies and it's not Justin Bieber.

   Every time I see you I ask myself why the hell are you still alive.

   Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.

   The only heterosexual way for a man to shave his legs, is if he falls off a motorcycle at 120 mph.

   That frisk you give yourself when you can’t feel your phone. you even pat your knees like your phone could ever be there.

   When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.

   People who use tea bags only once, who the f cuk do you think you are? Bill Gates?

   Ladies; if your man has to stand on something to change a light bulb, you’re in a lesbian relationship.