Funny Status Messages

   Authorities should not allow the "selfie" song on the radio. It leaves you no choice but to drive off the road into a tree!

   My landlord just called and said my neighbors just complained about all the loud freaky sex they are hearing from my house... So now I'm on my way to buy some headphones for my laptop...

   The Supreme Court has ruled that city council meetings may open with a prayer. Especially if the city in question is Detroit

   Guys.. You ever see a very attractive female and think "man, I have no idea how she could be single" and then she says 4 sentences, and it all makes sense...

   You know that movie "Unbreakable" where Bruce Will cannot find the limits of his own strength? I'm like that but with ice cream consumption.

   Save a tree, use a sock.

   Spoiler alert: Spoilers on cars are stupid.

   hey people who pull the finger in pics; what;s wrong? Did the camera lens bully you?

   I don't make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.

   If Microsoft buys Facebook. Than the first notificationwe will get will be: “You have to install driver to addfriends”.

   If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?

   Are people that smoke weed and sit around on the couch all day called Baked Potatoes?

   Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos viewed on its site. The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable.

   Maury Povich is married to Connie Chung. Do you think before sex he sings Wang Chung tonight?

   I do not need to be reminded it's the 5th of May in a different language. . .

   recovering from this long work day with my friend, Char...donnay!

   I don't get why any woman stays single. You would think they would get married so they can let themselves go.

   Anybody know the phone number where I can buy a couple of those Nigerian girls?

   This cat poop tastes like I'm about to get yelled at. -- Dogs

   So far,,, I've spent 300% of this week exaggerating.