Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't hate me because I'm single. Hate me because you are married.

   RESEARCH: Tin foil hat club. Too much time on hands club. Lives in parents basement club.

   RESEARCH: Bilderberg, Bohemian Grove, Club of Rome, Committee of 300, Skull and Bones Society, HAARP, Chemtrails, Project Bluebeam, Georgia Guidestones

   It's a little difficult to fully immerse yourself in a band called "I hate myself" when hmv is blasting pharrels "happy" over the sound system.

   We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and walk away

   *Does impersonation of the Swedish Chef for no reason 5 minutes into first date*

   Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair

   If you use a Wal-Mart bathroom there's no need to wash your hands... You're going to die anyway.

   Dear coworker who just microwaved hobo feet for lunch,,,, We hate you.. Love Stanley

   Angry, angry Christians everywhere (insert toy story meme here)

   "Happy Earth Day! Our planet looks pretty good for only being 6,000 years old!" - Ken Ham.

   A 16-year-old kid got on an airplane in San Jose, but he didn't really get on. He just climbed up into the landing gear on a flight to Hawaii. At JetBlue that's business class.

   'Why are you walking away when we're in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! At least give me your number!'

   I selfie-a-day so people don't think I died.

   What's cardio, and can I eat it?

   Pro tip: Let women know ahead of time how bad you are in bed by overusing the word "awesome"

   You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f cuk down.

   Things were going good, so of course I f cuked it up by being myself.

   Sir your resume just says 'FUN' in huge letters and then you list all the crimes you've committed.

   Ladies: Anything is a d ildo if you're brave enough