Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

   By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane.

   My 3year old just swallowed some quarters and pennies. He seems ok now, I'll let you know if I see any change

   My ass cheeks are so tight, when I fart only my dog can hear it.

   I'm drunk and I've got work tomorrow, but on the plus side. I'm having a great conversation with my dog

   It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.

   I only have two questions for my next girlfriend. 1. Do you want to marry me? 2. Why not?

   What did Michael Jackson have in common with the Chicago Cubs? He wore a single glove on his left hand, but it served no real purpose.

   Did you hear about the joke that EJ Manuel told his receivers? It went over their heads.

   What do the Chicago Cubs and possums have in common? Both play dead at home and both get killed on the road!

   I wish "Earth Day" was a realityh show in which we can vote people off of the planet.

   GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask ,, " Notice anything different?'................. * works EVERY time

   White girls favorite book: The Little Engine Who Could Not Even.

   Pro tip: If you use the rest room at Wal-mart, it will be more sanitary if you *don't* wash your hands afterwards.

   I'd probably get laid a lot more if I were in prison.

   Wait a second, you guys have friends in real life?

   I am woman. Hear me whine.

   I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.

   Don't talk to me unless you're a dog.

   If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that's messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help