Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My pants say yoga but my ass says more cupcakes please

   Loneliness is not getting your pets spayed or neutered so that you can have grandkids someday.

   I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.

   How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she's the one.

   Life isn't a fairy tale. It's a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff colouring book with missing pages and random highlighted passages that make no sense to anyone but the author.

   If more people carried guns the bad guys would get off fewer shots.

   I'm gonna celebrate Cinco de Mayo the traditional way by jumping over my neighbors wall and doing some landscaping for $2.50 an hour.

   Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.

   My favorite religion is Skepticism.

   Nice selfie, I love the way the light brings out the bat sh*t crazy psycho in your eyes.

   A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we're playing Cowboys and Indians and I'm a double agent.

   Relationship status – bathing everyday isn't a priority anymore.

   Our curves would look great together. - Lesbian Pickup line

   Well, I guess II'll wait a bit before I go out. A wasp has flown into my truck. He's has since claimed the truck and is prepared to fight for it. He is a one-wasped army and I'm pretty sure he's in some sort of attack formation.

   Guys, guys...we Americans are not obsessed with dead hookers. Those are British fashion models.

   Why would a woman come with instructions? Have you ever seen a man read instructions?

   A friend doesn't question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.

   Men are such a pain in the ass. But then you get used to the penetration and it feels amazing.

   courage turns quickly into fear when you attempt to kill a cockroach and it flies.

   People think that in Africa we ride lions and elephants to work. That's ridiculous, we don't have jobs.