Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like I forgot something when I left the house today.... Pants. It was definitely pants.

   Get out of my glass, and get into my mouth - talking to vodka.

   "As seen on tv": Get two pieces of crap that don't work for the price of one.

   Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!

   I talk to my car, just in case it's a transformer.

   He died by boldly going where no man has gone before by telling her that her shoes were ugly. R.I.P.

   I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah's Fitness.

   I'd totally marry you, but Walmart doesn't have a ring in your size.

   Well done, you are popular on Social Media. Sorry about the rest of your life.

   I tried being myself once... I got arrested.

   Relationship status: still making mix tapes.

   You had me at "there's no security cameras."

   I dreamt I had a sh*tty life. I woke up and I have sh*tty life. So dreams do come true, kids.

   Never make a decision when you are angry and never promise when you are fornicating.

   Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute and everybody loses their sh*t!

   Girls get away with wearing guys crap but wear one hair scrunchy and now the daughter says I can't pick her up from school anymore

   I always say "you do the math" because I can't do the math.

   Batman and Robin were the pioneers of the yoga pants!

   I got 99 problems but a restraining order ain't one because I found a loophole in one of the documents. Good Afternoon Carly.

   No, I don't want extra butter on my popcorn. I'm a boring idiot that hates happiness.