Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On a scale of Chris Brown to Jay Z, how aggressive are you with a crazy woman?

   I don't what the big deal is with Michael Sam. NASCAR has had Jeff Gordon for years! Bahahahaha!

   The Jay-Z incident - That's why I strongly believe women deserve equal rights. And lefts.

   Unless you have health insurance and a college fund for it, owning a pet doesn't not make you a parent!!

   My wife and I didn't know the handles on the mattress are to MOVE it!! We've been totally misusing them this whole time!

   My wife wanted a puppy .I didn't want a puppy . So we compromised and got a puppy...

   I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again...

   Good news for all the ladies that felt out this Mothers Day...I am extending my offer for an additional 30 Days... One free insemination! your place or mine...now open 24/7...guaranteed satisfaction..Ladies don't be left out next Mothers Day...get knocked

   Why didn't Beyonce and Jay-Z name their kid B-Jay?

   After TMZ broke that Jay-Z getting his ass kicked by Beyonce's little sister, I am now convinced TMZ is worse than NSA. They got cameras everywhere.

   Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!

   Vasaline is the key to having sex with your spouse after having children... *Just stick that stuff on the outside of the doorknob and the kids can't turn the knob to get in.

   F'n auto correct....I typed in "I like a dark ale", but it typed, "I like a dark @$$." Now every black woman on facebook is hitting me up.

   Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed yo midunderstanding you.

   I never would've noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back.

   I've officially met everyone's mother yesterday via Facebook so I'm pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies

   You know what else is gluten free? Cigarettes.

   I'm pretty sure Facebook is marriage: lots of falling in love and zero sex

   I gave up on everyone, don't make this about you.