Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are 2 types of clowns: registered & unregistered sex offenders

   Casey Kasem: Coming to a milk carton near you.

   Casey Kasem is one of the "Top 40" adults missing in America.

   You lose yourself trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you.

   After many rewrites, the Bible lost all stories of Jesus' little known brother Carl. Carl could turn wine into water. No one liked Carl.

   "I hate fake people," Danny announced as he pushed the store mannequin over and kicked it in the torso.

   "I DEMAND... A TRIAL BY COMBAT" "sir it's just a parking ticket, I..."

   I don't mean to brag but I own several shirts with Dragons on them.

   It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.

   Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet

   Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Caller: My wifes going into labor, I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Caller: No, this is her husband.

   Speak English or get off here.... (for below)

   If your status update has been edited, there is a 95% chance I will browse through your mistakes before I read the actual update...

   If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar...

   If my life had a soundtrack it would be the sound of a rusty gate slowly closing and then falling off its hinges onto a bunch of ugly cats...

   Fred Durst is directing a commercial for the dating site eHarmony. If he doesn't use the slogan "Do It For The Nookie" I will be highly disappointed.

   Baby I'm a troublemaker, I heard that you're a heartbreaker.

   Coffee is just a hug for your insides.

   I'm gonna ignore you like an I.T. guy.

   One should not hide their feelings but rather hide the evidence.