Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If he looks unhappy, make him bacon, rub his belly, and break out the rubber toys. Dogs love that $h!t.

   When I see a girl with a lot of make up on her face.....I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face!

   Obama has finally assembled a solid team. Unfortunately, it was for the Taliban.

   it illegal to make a right turn into the right lane these days??

   If you swap five copperheads for a rattlesnake, your kids still won't be any safer in the yard. Same with terrorists and traitors.....

   $15 minimum wage, I don't think so. Maybe we should focus on lowering the cost of an education instead. That way it rewards those that are willing to work for a better life.

   If there is anything I learned from 80's movies it's that I'm the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down

   How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?

   WTF. Adam Lavine photoshops his face onto my body? so pissed right now...

   some people should put professional victim on their resumé

   My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I'm bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...

   I am hoping on game of thrones when Daenerys Targaryen's dragons get older they magically turn into Puff and it all goes cartoon.

   Bowe Bergdahl’s father looks like that Duck Dynasty guy.

   When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…

   Daenerys Targaryen is such an overrated character "ohh look at me I have dragons" you know who else had a Dragon Rubeus Hagrid.

   "You can't give the World to someone who's only ready for the city"

   They came out with a GPS device for bird watchers that has tern by tern directions.

   This milk is so far past it's expiration date I'm only gonna have a small slice.

   I bet Shaquille O'neil hates to sign anything, "Love,Shaq".....because the B52s pretty much ruined that for him...

   If I ever die I want to be buried in my refrigerator in case I wake up and want pudding.