Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A man in Phoenix accidentally shot himself in the leg while in line at Walmart on Saturday. Or, as they call that in Arizona, “taking a selfie.”

   The Billboard Music awards was the other night and there was an amazing hologram of Michael Jackson. He performed a new song called "Slave to the Rhythm." It was so realistic, Tito actually asked it for money.

   unnecessary kindness is your first clue to picking out an "up to no good".

   "We do pretty well around here considering that people are basically good." -Satan talking to Lucifer

   Sometimes . . . When you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes . . . When you are in pain, no one sees your hurt. Sometimes . . . When you are worried, no one sees your stress. Sometimes . . . When you are happy, no one sees your smile. But just fart one

   I'm eating at subway today, I'm trying to figure out how Jared did it. He said he just eat fresh... It's not even on the menu!

   Obama on - VA scandal: DIDN'T KNOW Benghazi security: DIDN'T KNOW Fast and Furious: DIDN'T KNOW Lose your doctor: DIDN'T KNOW Bin Laden hit: MASTERMIND

   You should always listen when a woman speaks - unless she's crazy, then pay close attention.

   If you suffer from Feelings and Sh*t, Alcohol might be right for you....Don't ask your doctor, Just do it.

   According to bookkeeping, I'm broke

   Women. Always want to be choked at the wrong time.

   I'm convinced you're an idiot but I can tell you're not aware of this information.

   $764 for a round trip airline ticket. I hope they don't go broke giving me 3 ounces of Sprite and 5 peanuts!!

   what are these feelings you speak of?

   The best part about work is leaving.

   My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.

   How are you still single ?? - people who don't know me too well

   Not to brag, but it's 8:35am and I haven't had any alcohol yet.

   This vodka tastes like it needs more vodka.

   I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.