Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon RIP Ann B. Davies (Alice from The Brady Bunch) The closest thing to a lesbian on 70s tv.
←Rate | 06-01-2014 20:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon sometimes I turn on my FB chat just to see who is pooping at the same times as me.
←Rate | 06-01-2014 20:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Women should come with a Carfax report!
←Rate | 06-01-2014 19:27 by CH Comments (1)  


   messageicon 5 minutes into America's Got Talent and I learned we don't have talent, we have a bunch of delusional idiots that don't want real jobs.
←Rate | 06-01-2014 19:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My son asked me the other day what an anecdote is. I sat him down, looked into his eyes, and told him I could not think of an example.
←Rate | 06-01-2014 18:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Women are supposed to be like butterflies. Beautiful and hard to catch but most of y'all are like mosquitoes, annoying and easy to smash.
←Rate | 06-01-2014 18:01 by @RonnieChapman Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can't fix stupid.... You can however,,, interview it on the news when you need a good eyewitness.
←Rate | 06-01-2014 16:23 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Religion is like a buffet. People take what they like and ignore the rest..
←Rate | 06-01-2014 16:09 by @RonnieChapman Comments (0)  


   messageicon Apparently it's frowned upon to moan when getting a pedicure. Related: Sorry, Ming, it was awkward for me too. But damn, you rub me good!
←Rate | 06-01-2014 14:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it
←Rate | 06-01-2014 13:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love my UPS guy. He's a drug dealer and doesn't even know it.
←Rate | 06-01-2014 11:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The way to a man's heart is through the kitchen.
←Rate | 06-01-2014 11:23 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate it when a woman asks, "Guess what today is?"
←Rate | 06-01-2014 11:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now that presidential spokesman Jay Carney is no longer a government employee, I am expecting him to rush right out and sign up for ObamaCare.
←Rate | 06-01-2014 08:30 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon If by eating pizza, tacos and waffles in a single sitting then yes I've had a threesome before.
←Rate | 06-01-2014 07:05 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon You new folks. All the funny sh*t's already been taken. There's a sale on the Inspirational Quotes floor. No one seems to want that sh*t.
←Rate | 06-01-2014 06:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ll keep texting you after you “yup” me. IDGAF.
←Rate | 06-01-2014 06:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If my car gets stolen, can my wife be in it? Asking for a break.
←Rate | 06-01-2014 06:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
←Rate | 06-01-2014 06:09 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I judge you by your coffee. Skinny soy latte with hazelhut. Wears stockings under his pants.
←Rate | 06-01-2014 05:19 Comments (0)  




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