Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1929 of 6446

RIP Ann B. Davies (Alice from The Brady Bunch) The closest thing to a lesbian on 70s tv.
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06-01-2014 20:53
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sometimes I turn on my FB chat just to see who is pooping at the same times as me.
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06-01-2014 20:24
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Women should come with a Carfax report!
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06-01-2014 19:27 by CH
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5 minutes into America's Got Talent and I learned we don't have talent, we have a bunch of delusional idiots that don't want real jobs.
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06-01-2014 19:05
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My son asked me the other day what an anecdote is. I sat him down, looked into his eyes, and told him I could not think of an example.
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06-01-2014 18:37
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Women are supposed to be like butterflies. Beautiful and hard to catch but most of y'all are like mosquitoes, annoying and easy to smash.

You can't fix stupid.... You can however,,, interview it on the news when you need a good eyewitness.
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06-01-2014 16:23 by snotty
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Religion is like a buffet. People take what they like and ignore the rest..

Apparently it's frowned upon to moan when getting a pedicure. Related: Sorry, Ming, it was awkward for me too. But damn, you rub me good!
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06-01-2014 14:54
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I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it
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06-01-2014 13:40
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I love my UPS guy. He's a drug dealer and doesn't even know it.
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06-01-2014 11:30
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The way to a man's heart is through the kitchen.
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06-01-2014 11:23 by Czovczov
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I hate it when a woman asks, "Guess what today is?"
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06-01-2014 11:07
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Now that presidential spokesman Jay Carney is no longer a government employee, I am expecting him to rush right out and sign up for ObamaCare.
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06-01-2014 08:30 by markf
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If by eating pizza, tacos and waffles in a single sitting then yes I've had a threesome before.
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06-01-2014 07:05 by Baddie
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You new folks. All the funny sh*t's already been taken. There's a sale on the Inspirational Quotes floor. No one seems to want that sh*t.
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06-01-2014 06:58
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I’ll keep texting you after you “yup” me. IDGAF.
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06-01-2014 06:55
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If my car gets stolen, can my wife be in it? Asking for a break.
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06-01-2014 06:52
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After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.

I judge you by your coffee. Skinny soy latte with hazelhut. Wears stockings under his pants.
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06-01-2014 05:19
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