Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Usually chocolate makes me hyper but my dog ate a pack of Snickers and he’s been asleep for hours. Haha wake up so we can play, little guy.

   I wish I was excited about anything as much as Jim Ross was to see a Stone Cold Stunner.

   AGENT: OK so this role is abou- NICOLAS CAGE: I'll do it.

   Get your mind out of the gutter. It's blocking my view.

   Sorry I vomited all over your inspirational status.

   Just when you think you have her, that is when you aren't even close

   Stop pretending like you don't wanna hug

   How much for the masturbation cocoon? Sir that's a sleeping bag.

   Now picture me using proper grammar. Wronger

   "Reverse cowgirl"… So you don't have to experience morning breath

   Facebook has crashed. Save your p0sts for now.

   I can't wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.

   How many more days before we can stop talking about World Cup?

   I don't mean to brag, but I'm the funniest person at this funeral.

   Sure having tight abs is awesome but you know what else is awesome? Pizza.

   Have you tried just avoiding people?

   My best friend's marriage is such an inspiration. As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

   If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.

   relationship status: sometimes I pretend i'm choking in restaurants for all the free hugs

   Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday