Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Should I go over and talk to her? Go over there dude. A pregnant woman should never drink alone.

   I am a very very very bad influence In a good way.

   Diamonds are not a girls best friend, it's anything that vibrates.

   I think, therefore I drink.

   i'll make better mistakes tomorrow

   I'm not mature enough to be in a yoga class.

   Sometimes I wish I could tame a high-level frost dragon and keep him as a pet. Other times I wish I had a girlfriend.

   "You make me a better person" - Me talking to my beer!

   I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.

   It was a Hoax, Now ugly, homely, disfigured people may return to eatting at KFC !!!

   Have you noticed the words: Happy and Horny each have six letters like the number six has an x in it just like the word sex. Coincidence, I think not. . .

   Who are you and why do I have to read about your workout and eating routine every day on Facebook?

   I believe I'm now at the age where wishing for something really hard and pooping your pants is pretty much the same thing ツ

   I have a beard and tattoos why are you still wearing panties? Yes, I want fries. No, I don't want a receipt. Stop changing the subject.

   My sex tape is just several camera angles of me getting friend zoned.

   98% of the heat fans just opted out too.

   My flirting checklist 1 Eye Contact 2 Throw you in the trunk of my car 3 4 5 I guess I only have two moves. Flirting is super hard.

   The only problem I have is behaving

   If LaBron is really serious about winning he would sign with the Harlem Globetrotters

   Sweep her off her feet guys. Chicks are really impressed with UFC skills