Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   remove money from a relationship and see if it still stands.

   I’ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason.

   Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that sh*t!”

   I use to be addicted to soap, but now I'm clean

   I went on eBay this afternoon looking for a Dictaphone ...they gave me Obama's phone number.

   No honey, I love your constant input on my driving

   Being funny is so much hotter than being hot.

   Sorry I was checking out your ass during your entire emotional breakdown.

   I'm sorry your grandma is in a coma but in my defense, she REALLY sucks at dodge ball.

   No relationship is perfect so you might as well pick the perfect person you want to go through hell with

   Wimbledon 2014 - My wife is a big tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she find the constant grunting noises during the women's matches. I promised her I will stop.

   The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.

   For invisible powers that actually work maybe churches should consider installing wifi.

   [at job interview] "As I explained to everyone in the lobby, if I get the job, I'll buy pants. It's simple."

   I am just here spooning my girlfriend out of her container. Eating Ice cream

   Happy Hump Day! Hemp. Darn auto correct.

   Dogs are tough. I’ve been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who is a good boy

   Bad luck last night USA, never mind, you'll do better in the American Football World Cup - oh, wait.......

   here comes the brainless jihadists who have sold their brains for virgins

   Barack Obama walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says where did you get that. The duck replied "Kenya"