Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you hold a beer glass to your ear, you hear joy.

   My forearm tattoo is just this Pringles can I cant get off my arm.

   I can't wait until I'm old enough to get my own zombie .......a lot of people at the retirement home have walkers

   I once dated an amputee. She single-handedly changed my life

   Swimming in the pool counts as a shower, right?!?

   When I die, donate my teeth to the Walmart Cashiers.

   You can workout and brag about your muscles all you want but it still isn't going to make you any taller.

   if you get enough maylasian airline frequent flyer miles you can trade them in for a tombstone

   The day the progressive lady makes out with the Wendy's girl is the day I become a loyal customer to both.

   "Her blue eyed Summer time smile Looks so good that it hurts Makes you wanna build A 10 percent down White picket fence house on this dirt." FGL

   For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....

   "I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN

   diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.

   my wife turned on some p0rn and said, "I want to show you what I like" then it got awkward I don't have a huge black d*ck.

   what base is it when your wife feels the bed shaking and says if you're going to jerk off do it on the couch?

   I just switched on Airplane mode on my phone. Fecking Russians launched missiles at it.

   How much for those babysitters? Um sir, those are iPads

   The best thing about depression is all the naps. Also the frequent snacks. Also the heavy drinking. The drugs are cool too.

   Weird that we don't see more pants on fire

   Hold on bro, let me turn this cassette over