Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Judge, I'm sorry I attacked that woman but I was wearing cheetah print & she had on a zebra shirt & Mother Nature just took over from there.

   Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.

   [Mother-in-law visiting] -May I use your restroom? -Down the hall first door on the right -That's the front door -You may use the yard

   I need to work on my texting. I text a girl C- U- N- T....... I meant..." see you next Thursday" and now she is not speaking to me.

   Facebook in 2014 is a few people screaming from a mostly empty stage who don't realize that everyone in the audience has gone home.

   I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you … even you.

   There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees.

   What you call "camping", I call "aggresive waiting".

   Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn't want to talk too.

   When the light turns yellow I don't know if I should gas it or slam on the brakes, so I do both

   Lets celebrate our independance in America by drinking beer and shooting off fireworks made in China

   Hard to believe its been 18 years since Will Smith saved 'Merica!!

   Shaggy is playing in the world cup for Brazil as Fred.

   tonight the sky will be like most of my family.....pretty well lit up

   Using a cellphone in 90's: "he's prob a drug dealer" Using a payphone today: "he's prob a drug dealer"

   My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.

   238 years ago today, Thomas Jefferson wrote the ultimate breakup letter. You mad Britain? Merica.

   Let’s proudly wave our American flags made in China.

   playing my favorite game today, Gun Shots or Fireworks?

   It's not my job to fix you, people get paid for that.