Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   real men don't overuse emojis.

   Husband asks me to hammer the nail in while he holds it . Most action I got all week.

   "Nipping it in the bud" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

   The reason wedding invitations go out so far in advance is to give guests time to find something else to do.

   a lot of wankers here who will thumb down a good joke cos it threathens their own

   Lesbians are just guys I am not allowed to punch.

   my dinner taste like lazyness and the day before payday!

   I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!

   "You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark."... *The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

   float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, squeak like a rat, swim like a dolphin,,, welcome to the shapeshifter club, please turn into a seat

   I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen... I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.

   3-year-old conversion factor: 1 chicken strip = 1/2 bottle of ketchup

   Yoga teacher hates me.... *Puts me in an awkward position.

   If you don't have a dog whistle,,,, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in a month.

   I hate Throwback Thursday. I already have to see your ugly face in a hundred different angles from your selfies. Now I have to see how fat and ugly you were as a kid too?!

   Yeah, that's right! I learned all my dance moves from the paternity tests on Maury!!

   All I'm saying is if she was any dumber I'd have to water her.

   According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty...

   In "Extant" Halle Berry plays an astronaut who mysteriously winds up pregnant after a space mission. The series will answer the question: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship?

   I thought riots are to soccer what crashes are to NASCAR: something that breaks up the boredom.