Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....

   "I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN

   diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.

   my wife turned on some p0rn and said, "I want to show you what I like" then it got awkward I don't have a huge black d*ck.

   what base is it when your wife feels the bed shaking and says if you're going to jerk off do it on the couch?

   I just switched on Airplane mode on my phone. Fecking Russians launched missiles at it.

   How much for those babysitters? Um sir, those are iPads

   The best thing about depression is all the naps. Also the frequent snacks. Also the heavy drinking. The drugs are cool too.

   Weird that we don't see more pants on fire

   Hold on bro, let me turn this cassette over

   Everytime I see someone post those "5 beautiful selfies" thing I comment with "Apparently you missed the whole "beautiful" part. Because I'm rather sick of the whole concept.

   The whole "I got called out to post 5 beautiful selfies" thing is just yet another excuse/ploy for yet more attention for those women that constanly need it and need reassurance.

   Anyone wanna buy my Malaysian Airlines frequent flier miles?

   If you want to undertake a survey to judge the public’s mood or feeling about something, someone or an event, please do not include people on social media because 90% of them are idiots.

   You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly in school zones.

   "Going forward, we will only be selling one-way tickets." -Malaysian Airlines press release

   Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great

   Can you give me the opposite of these words quickly: Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down

   Note to self: Do NOT fly Malaysian Airlines.