Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.

   The " I got your nose game" is to be played with children! Try it on your pharmacist or the cashier at Target and they will call security!

   blunt so fat it swims with a shirt on

   Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn't" you can rest assured that he did.

   me:" cant come in to work today. I slipped in a snail trail and broke me ankle" boss:"on a nature hike?" me:"no walked in front of a theater playing 50 shades of gray"

   I want the equivalent of an e-cigarette for alcohol so I can do it at work. Get on that scientists!

   It’s amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   It’s sad when a girl breaks up and changes back to her “I need attention” Facebook picture.

   I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, “At least they picked me”

   I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.

   I'm working on my second million. I gave up on my first.

   * Throws caution to the wind.... Wind throws it back and tells me I throw like a girl.

   Its about time judges start sentencing evil mosters to botched executions.

   I finally got around to reading 50 Shades of Grey and I don't see what the big deal is.....I mean its no different then all of the other Sherwin Williams brochures that I've looked through......

   Oh great. The 50 shades of grey movie comes out Valentine's day... I'm Not opposed to seeing it, my issue is if not going to first showing off day, odds go up exponentially as the day goes on that you'll be sitting in a wet chair.

   I thought fifty shades of grey was a book about the color on us old people hair

   I love when people say to me… Omg! Your so funny on FB. If they only knew about my awesome copy & paste ability..They could be just as funny!

   has the NYPD found the "Vandals" that took the American flags off the Brooklyn Bridge and replaced them with French flags yet?

   Hot girls TBT are from last year. Fat girls TBT are from the last decade.

   A bunch of old dudes-Rat Pack. A bunch of middle aged dudes- Brat Pack. A bunch of teenage dudes- Whack Pack