Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My call is important to them, my time isn't.

   I'm fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.

   I have decided my next ex-wife will be Scottish so when she calls me a worthless fucker it will be in that adorable wee accent.

   I wonder how many men helping the needy in foreign countries had a different idea when they told their wife they were interested in missionary.

   I WAS ASKED to judge a "wet t-shirt" competition last night. Not a cake job, they were all equally wet.

   Next time for national twins day, I expect more women to post pics of their "twins". You were slacking this year.

   I hate you like Americans hate the Kardashians.

   Today local police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a tiny little Wiener. I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.

   Women who request for a massage from a guy without a happy ending are delusional.

   New Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall movie idea, Coming to America II, with Ebola

   No, whenever there's trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

   Late night 20 minute conversations with the McDonalds Drive thru guy about those who we aspire to love, the desolate restitution of our youth, and McNuggets. Because adulthood.

   convinced I may be a vampire; a steak through the heart would probably kill me.

   I watch the Purge tonight and it's not a bad idea.

   Ebola guy in Atlanta .....if that does end up being an outbreak, everyone will at 1st just think it's The Walking Dead walkers.

   I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there's only 36 shades of grey

   When I see a couple sharing the same facebook account I always want to ask them which one of you got caught having an affair

   Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.

   The CIA has admitted spying on the Senate Intelligence Committee. They didn't find any.

   it was sooo cold last winter that i'm still farting snow flakes in August