Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just went to the sperm bank but I left. Too many jerkoffs.

   I know what you did 23 summers ago - Women

   We have great chemistry and amazing physics.

   Justin Bieber has changed his name, at least on Instagram, to "Bizzle" apparently in order to up his "street cred". Why can't Bieber just up his street cred like rappers do and get shot?

   Justin Beiber's publicist reports that Justinwant to change his name to "Bizzle" to increase his street cred. However music industry insiders say his new name will more than likely be "Justinutha Lonelynizzle"

   Making the cats chase the laser pointer. Re-establishing who is boss, for now.

   All women have at least one pair of jeans in their closet that’s trying to kill them.

   ‪#‎TBT‬ 1990's: Street lights are on; belts off. get your ass home!

   If it isn't one damn thing after another, it's the same damn thing over and over again.

   "Pope Francis tells couples not to substitute dogs and cats for children." TRUE! The fat content is so different, your recipe will be ruined.

   it just me or is Game of Thrones just a modern day Xena Princess Warrior?

   " Lady, Have you tried texting him 22 more times?" You probably are a pain in the a-ss stalker!

   You had me at the correct use of 'their'.

   If you don't believe in evolution just look at how much stronger passwords have become over the past few hundred years.

   Just because I'm a lady doesn't mean I don't deserve to break someone's nose before I die.

   Remember, I'm always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.

   Someone just told me good morning and now I have to go to HR

   My typos only add seasoning to my thoughts.

   If you can't even get your first and last name in order, then no, I will not accept your friend request.

   I'm not one to judge Brotha, but that white tailgate on your black truck screams "salvage title".