Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   most girls go from 0 to 69 in 6 beers.

   I once shook hands with an arab and I have my hand to prove it

   girls look back at your wedding photos, if you are fatter than that, he is not happy..

   Far from perfect like everyone else.

   I accidentally stepped on this kid at the store all was well till I learnt his parents were called Lafonzo and Shaniqua

   After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

   Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don't know who this woman is but she's my new life coach.

   In hell, you have to pick just one person to have sex with for the rest of your life. Wait...

   a group of 5 white basketball players is called a "loss"

   I once dated someone for two months because I was drunk.

   She said there's no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I'm supposed to just "forget about it"?

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days. But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   I start conversations with "As a vegan" when I don't want to be friends with them

   I'm not a priest but I know that jesus is 43% pancakes

   It's not stalking if you're asleep and I wake you with a BJ. That's called a gift.

   Sorry I can't go out tonight, I can't find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.

   Watching my favorite show. "Keeping Up With Obamas Lies"

   That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler's speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.

   Behind every successful woman is a man staring at her butt.

   Reason #258 I hate people... Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is making $29,166 per hour. That's right, she's making more than a lot of Americans are per second. Just for being some kind of high class pass around slut for rappers! Come and get it Kanye...