Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.

   Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by disagreeing with the wife.

   why do blind people smile?

   The worst thing about spanking a kid in Wal-Mart is that I have no idea who's kid this is.

   Explain the rise and fall of the Roman empire. Use both sides of paper if necessary.

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will be far away from me with your bullsh*t.

   'Rough day. Better make it a double.' - me at the cat shelter.

   Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

   I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

   Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.

   Mind if I ride in your midlife crisis?

   Kendall Jenner bought her own apartment for $1.4 million and I'm out here struggling to buy a Naked juice for $3

   "Aggrevation", "Sorry", "Trouble", "Outburst". I think Hasboro knows my relationships.

   I have witnessed some of the greatest friendships forged over a blunt and I have also witnessed some of the fakest friendships forged over a bible.

   Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is making $700,000 EVERY DAY! That’s $29,166 per hour. That’s $486 every minute. That’s $8.10 every second. WHY DO WE KEEP MAKING IDIOTS RICH & FAMOUS? WHY OH WHY LORD?

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that the Chief or Police is always bl@ck.

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that the fat kid always plays catcher.

   However lonely you feel, you’re never alone… There are literally millions of bugs, mites, and bacteria living in your house.

   I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

   Justin Bieber Bragged That Miranda Kerr "Made Him a Man," Didn't know Miranda Kerr is a doctor specializing in pen*s transplantation.