Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm in a weird place mentally. And physically. And geographically

   today I screwed in a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked in to a bar ...my life is a joke

   I would be totally into cosplay if it meant dressing up and pretending to be bill cosby.

   Vet who had sex with dogs and horses loses license, becomes just regular guy who had sex with dogs and horses.

   It is just a fact that some people are not comedians no matter how hard they try

   Tried to kill a mockingbird but it mocked me and almost killed me instead...

   With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I'm sure heads will roll.

   Welcome to The Antisocial Club Now besides me, who else doesn't want to be here?

   I think I'll open a Chinese restaraunt and call it "Wok Your Dog."

   How much for the coping mechanism? Ma'am that's alcohol..

   Some might argue that having spider webs in your kitchen sink is a sign you need to cook more... I, however, see it as a sign that life is pretty damn good! (Let's go with that)

   Scones are just uppity biscuits...

   Tried to kill a cockroach with Aqua Net and now it smokes two packs a day, joined my bowling league and calls itself Brenda

   How come boogers come out so easy, and they are SO hard to get off your finger?

   My internet goes out more than I do.

   Raising ones leg and releasing a loud fart is a proper response for any man who doesn't like his wife's tone of voice.

   I put on my pants just like everyone else around here, reluctantly.

   At least now I know the real reason why I've never been asked to play on a professional volleyball team...

   Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

   Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid...