Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I guess it's time to face the reality that I just do not want to rock and roll all night. Nor do I wish to party eva-ree day.

   An app that tracks a woman's PMS iMad, if you will.

   sitting here watching "102 Dalmations" & I wonder if Lady Gaga got her fashion sense from Cruella De Vil

   Give me constant mixed messages so I know..............nothing.

   I like you, but not 'get dressed and leave the house to see you', like you.

   Let's be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.

   I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart.

   What you call a "morning wood" I call "breakfast in bed"

   Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account

   i cant believe that cop put me in the backseat when I clearly called shotgun

   my friends think there is something wrong with me, where's all the funny stuff?

   My safe word is "the c0ndom broke".

   This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything

   If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.

   PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.

   Throwing your cat at the intruder & shouting release the hounds does nothing for,,,,,,,, A) Your property... B) Your cat... C) Both...

   I hear boomerangs are making a comeback

   Watching the kids play hide and seek in the park,,, and mine just hid behind a chain link fence.. at least I don't have to save for college

   As an adult, true confidence can only be measured by taking a dump, and doing ONE no look wipe and walking away with a smile on your face. Period.

   A company in Japan says it will start selling human-like robots that can babysit your children. That story again: Japan is making a robot that can turn on a TV.