Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sing it with me! I ...... I believe.... I believe that they just tied. I believe that they just tied. I believe that they just tied.

   Back in the 60's the pot called the kettle a different word.

   Beauty lies in the eye of the beer-holder.

   Sorry I told you I could tell you don't give your husband BJs from the look he had in your family portrait.

   I get all my dating advice from my Wife's boyfriend. Then I do the opposite.

   At least pizza won't keep you up at night with it's loud snoring

   Soccer would probably be a lot more popular in the USA if they put cheerleaders on the sidelines, ran with a football, and scored touchdowns

   Every time I think I'm ready for a serious relationship again, I just remember that I like having sex

   Anything you can do I'll b*tch about later.

   I'm looking forward to avoiding spending time with you

   Never ask yourself "Can I do this?" Instead, ask yourself "Where can I take a nap?"

   She loves me *pluck* She loves me not *pluck* What? This bird only has two wings?

   I don't Always wear my glasses but when I do I can see properly.

   Guys that try to pickup women on FaceBook are pathetic. Ladies if you agree DM me your number so we can talk about it...

   "How much for the man cave?" "Sir that's a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"

   Don't be the one that smells the farts, be the one that is the farts.

   Your life sounds very interesting. Tell me more about your dog.

   My favorite yoga pose is "trying to take an ass selfie."

   You think you're important.....and I think you should stop thinking

   Have you heard about the Facebook that's just for women only? It's called a cookbook.