Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just a girl, standing in front of a food pantry, looking for something to put melted cheese on.

   "Figuratively ain't no sunshine but the actual sun continues to warm Earth when she's gooone" -Bill Withers, concerned about starting panic

   If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed on them

   New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.

   My pet rock didn't wake up this this morning....gonna have to bury it.

   The ice cream truck in my neighbourhood plays Helter Skelter

   Mariah and Nick announced their split. In other news, no one gives a $hit...

   The Ice Bucket Challenge was such a great idea last week!! This week...not so much!!

   I got pulled over by a lady cop. I asked her what's wrong and she snapped back "NOTHING!"

   why don't people do a "taser challenge" next & see what its like for epileptic people to suddenly have your arms & legs moving around uncontrollably?

   You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...

   And then there was the blind prostitute. You really have to mouth* it to her....

   Or the constipated math teacher. He has to work it out with a pencil.

   And then there was the blind prostitute. You really have to hand it to her....

   Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.

   That moment when the woman you're dancing behind suddenly bends over so you can grind it, then you realise she just lost an earring... and no one else in Starbucks can hear your iPod.

   I'm not an ad man but Tampax's slogan should be "we're not #1, but we are right up there."

   If it wasn't for Als ice bucket challenge most americans wouldn't get to shower

   So, the prisoner exchange for Sgt. Bergdahl was illegal. I guess we are going to have to send him back.