Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Top dating profile qualities: 1. I kill spiders 2. I do push ups with my tongue

   If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.

   Hey self-appointed MILFs, easy does it. We'll let you know.

   Walked by a child clutching a stuffed animal. The kid made the stuffed animal's paw wave at me & now I'm finding it hard to hate everything.

   Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That's how many seconds you just wasted.

   I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.

   My tonight my girlfriend is equal parts the internet, a tube of KY jelly, self-loathing and a sock.

   I'm so bad at sex when we get done,, oompa loompas enter the room and sing a catchy & belittling song...

   Just watch. My nickname for babies, "vag-turds", is really gonna catch fire in 2015.

   83% of GM products manufactured in the last 10 years are still on the road: the other 17% somehow made it home.

   going to Hobby Lobby to hand out free contraceptives to women. Maybe I'll get lucky...

   Alcohol, because depression doesn't take a day off.

   I have a life outside the internet. But not on purpose.

   How much for the torture device? Sir, that's a wedding ring.

   I'm white but not "I know who my state senator is", white.

   Sorry I roasted marshmallows over your meltdown.

   Love is being willing to die for someone that you want to disfigure with acid, decapitate, and send through a wood chipper on a daily basis.

   You're like the warm beer of people.

   I accidentally touched my wife's boob and she didn't recoil in disgust so things are looking up.

   Posted 14 hours ago Walked by a child clutching a stuffed animal. The kid made the stuffed animal's paw wave at me & now I'm finding it hard to hate everything.