Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.

   Why hasn't Head and Shoulders shampoo come out with a body wash called "Knees and Toes" ?

   If I drove a UPS truck there's a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners

   Come on ‪#‎Chevy‬ just one commercial break without Kid Rock

   If you think your job stinks, think about the kid that cleans the bathroom at Taco Bell

   It's only a matter of time before "Security Cameras of Wal-mart" becomes a reality show.

   If you think your job stinks, how would you like to be a member of the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashians 24/7.

   I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.

   If it's called Labor Day,why don't we work on labor day and have the rest of the year off?

   If a woman doesn't like a man using a coupon on the first date, she should offer to pay.

   I have never in my life seen a Tattoo and said "wow, that looks classy" All a tattoo is, is a "LOOK AT ME" statement

   If I'm ever in a coma, please don't try to wake me. I'm doing what I love.

   Curling irons come with a warning label saying "For external use only." OK, now which of you sick women made that necessary?

   If I'm ever on life support and just being kept alive machines, please unplug me and plug me back in. Basically, reboot my body.

   YOLO. Because stupid people don't know what Carpe Diem means.

   I said to the nurse "You're such a nice person. Will you come visit me when I'm out of the hospital?" She said "Well, I would except graveyards are such creepy places." FML.

   "Second coat my ass! -Michelangelo, upon completing the Sistine Chapel job.

   The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing us that there is soul mate out there for all of us. What if your soulmate existed at a different timeline, and you missed each other by 2 centuries?

   And that attracts men who like a woman who doesn't spit. . .

   75% of women who smoke swallow. . .