Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.

   There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.

   This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.

   I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager

   If you enter a room and there's no food, you're in the wrong room.

   Relationship status: Wife says I'm only slightly more useful than the T in Home Depot

   My definition of RAP: Rotten Audio Products

   Who else remembers having cases of CDs?? With labels like "party mix", "rap" and "Slow jams"

   I met this great woman, I sweet talk her and say all the right things. She says I wish there were more men like you. I sent her a poem and she no longer wants to see me. So much for having feelings. . .

   Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor "Have you ever turned down heroin?" Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

   Pretty nice opinion you got there. It'd be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it

   HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

   When I first met my girlfriend two years ago she told me she was Bi. Little did I know it was "Polar".

   [shows up late for first day of new job] *blames it on rush hour* [shows up late for second day of new job] *blames it on rush hour 2*

   *Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"

   System, please delete all my feelings for her. WARNING: The file is too big. Might take years to delete.

   There any women out here looking to $exually abuse a grown man. Asking for a friend. . .

   I just got bukkaked by a Krispy Kreme

   The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

   Anyone going to vegas? Put money on the Prison Football team to win it all!