Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m not really into the idea of letting a set of made up ancient rules dictate my life. Hell I'm not real keen modern laws telling me what I can and cannot do!

   The only time the word incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

   If your shirt isn’t tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt.

   I got you something better than a present. I wrote "happy birthday dude" on your Facebook when a robot reminded me it was your birthday.

   President Vladimir Putin says at least we know where this Malaysian Airliner is.

   To all of the people whom voted for Obama the second time: There's an idiot on your keyboard right between the letter "Y" and "I"

   "I quit" - Ahmad Jauhari Yahya, Group Chief Executive Officer Malaysia Airlines

   A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.

   What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn't make sandwiches? A compromise.

   Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don't have a moon where I live.

   Don't religious people have the same said "blog" where they can be stupid without boring the rest of US? How "Christian" to talk crap about others...religious people are some of the BIGGEST hypocrites and most judgmental people I know of.

   It's so depressing how the <3 symbol looks like someone dropped their ice cream cone.

   Look officer, I'm a woman I answer to no one.

   I don't know if anyone been in the new Mus-lim clothing store in the mall but I suggest you don't ask if they have any bomber jackets in stock....They didn't like that at all.

   "We look down on other fish fingers" - A Birds Eye view.

   Dear Automatic Toilet Flusher: I appreciate your enthusiasm but I wasn't done yet.

   my safe word is "is that blood?!"

   A woman that doesn't ask for nothing deserves everything

   It's not love if she takes the money off of the dresser.

   Your restraining order says NO But your lazy eye says.......maybe later.