Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday. People of Glasgow did not know they had a library.

   If I wanted your opinion I would have married you.

   "I Love You just the Way You Are" is the best compliment ever.

   "Sh*t-Ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.

   Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.

   I'm not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.

   I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.

   I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.

   What idiot called it "hitting the snooze button" and not "clock blocking"?

   do we have any world leaders or are they to busy playing golf ,pool and drinking beer ?

   You're never too old to learn stupid siht...

   I think the whitest thing about me is after I get my hair cut, I like to leave the barber shop.

   What do I have to do to become the 8th deadly sin?

   That bottle of beer doesn't care if you have bad breath. Its still happy to kiss you.

   Don't talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.

   Live each day like someone's paying for drinks

   Parenting: negotiating with terrorists every single minute of every single day for the rest of your miserable life.

   Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn't a real sport.

   If Beyonce with all her beauty, talent and money can get cheated on, what chance you you basic women have?

   The ones who could afford 1st class on the Malaysian airlines flight, didn't live any longer than those on economy...