Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some might argue that having spider webs in your kitchen sink is a sign you need to cook more... I, however, see it as a sign that life is pretty damn good! (Let's go with that)

   Scones are just uppity biscuits...

   Tried to kill a cockroach with Aqua Net and now it smokes two packs a day, joined my bowling league and calls itself Brenda

   How come boogers come out so easy, and they are SO hard to get off your finger?

   My internet goes out more than I do.

   Raising ones leg and releasing a loud fart is a proper response for any man who doesn't like his wife's tone of voice.

   I put on my pants just like everyone else around here, reluctantly.

   At least now I know the real reason why I've never been asked to play on a professional volleyball team...

   Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

   Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid...

   Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small,large,circle,square,thin crust, thick crust,stuffed crust,extra toppings.

   I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?

   Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice,I'm made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy.. Sadly that part of me is a liar

   Hey MWC, What about your pinis? Don't you feel bad about beating the only thing that ever stood up for you!!??

   Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don't have to see, touch, or smell them.

   I told you a million times do not exaggerate!

   I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it's the duct tape of food.

   But in dog beers, I only had one.

   Of course I still stalk you online I'm just making sure I don't miss the moment when karma finds you