Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if those guys who ordered that white boy to play funky music until he died ever got arrested.

   Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"

   I'd have more money if I didn't buy that $20 shirt back in 2009

   Being in hot water isn't so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.

   For best results use like way more than directed by your physician.

   [the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan"

   R kelly is doing a tour in Pakistan … I guess they’re going to finally have piss in the Middle East

   saw my ex with her new boyfriend today, he has arms and legs just like I do, she seriously needs to move on. jeeez. he even has eyes.

   The 78th Rule of Fight Club: When it’s your turn to bring the snacks, be respectful of your peers’ food allergies.

   I dream about naps.

   Don't see the point in calling this phone a iPhone anymore, it' spends that much time on charge it may as well be called a landline!!!

   Why can't they give scary names to typhoons? Like Chaos or Obliterator or Shaniqua. Vongfong sounds like something you've just taken out from a Chinese restaurant.

   I ran out of Anti-Depressants, so I'm drinking my bottle of No More Tears Shampoo.

   Whenever I lock my car, I always press the remote lock button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I MEAN BUSINESS.

   Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would probably be ok, but I don't wanna be dragged from bed 'paranormal-activity' style..

   the news asks why people would join IS? one word - obama

   it cheating if I put pictures of my food on another website? was just wondering...

   I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. I only have 13 more to go!

   My girl an I play this game called "hide the alcohol from the alcoholic".. right now she's losing

   that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?