Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..... Begining to think that Obama's official Border policy is to draw a Red Line in the sand along the Southern border.

   Dear McDonalds cashier, dont give me that look. There’s no age limit on a happy meal. And don’t forget the toy!

   They need to create an app to let you know if someone is a freak. I mean crazy for those thinking nasty. Get your mind out the gutter

   "Here, tell me if my butthole stinks." ~cats

   Facebook has been down today. Has anyone asked if it's ok hun?

   Thanks alot Mark Fuckerberg. Just had to poop without Facebook like I was some kind of cave man.

   Relationship status: my cat won't sit still for our selfies.

   Sorry I keep forgetting you're not my therapist.

   Me: I'll have a quickie. Barista: Sir, it's called an espresso.

   Question: If men get "c*ck-blocked" do women get "beaver-dammed"?

   You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.

   Of course my attitude is good when you do as I say

   Weekend settings activated, please don't call unless if its alcohol, food, fun, alcohol, fun and food again. All problems deferred to Monday...

   Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

   Leonardo DiCaprio cheering on Orlando Bloom as he tried to punch Justin Bieber is enough for him to earn his Oscar in my books.

   Have you tried not taking another selfie?

   The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.

   Come over here and I’ll show you what the girl I cheated on you with did in bed.

   If you find a kitten & it licks your face, it's your new kitten. I know this because that's how I met my wife.

   I'm not saying it's a bad idea to bring an Ebola patient to Atlanta, I'm saying everyone should leave Atlanta because I've seen this movie....