Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the CDC Director needs to resign and let Dr. House save us all from Ebola.....

   I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD,, and it told me I have Gary Busey.

   IS + Ebola = Problem Solved

   You can tell it's fall. I look like I'm searching for landmines when I'm looking for dog crap in my back yard under the leaves.......but alas, I found one with my shoe!!!!

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

   Wife: do these jeans make me look fat? Husband: nope it's not the jeans

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture :)

   We're taught from a young age that we need to work hard to achieve success, riches, or fame in life. Then we grow up to see sh****gs like Snooki, the Situation and the Kardashians. You know... People who have never done anything!

   The over spray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.

   You could have just said you weren't having sex, you didn't have to wear crocs.

   Whenever I see a tweet written in arabic or something I star and retweet it just for fun. Now the FBI wants to talk to me.

   Why would anyone make babies when they can make nachos?

   Don't ever mistake me for someone who hasn't flirted with danger. I've got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

   Three words to ruin a woman's ego. "I can't tell."

   If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants,,, expect A LOT of text messages

   Three words to ruin a man's ego. "Is it in?"

   Waiting 30 seconds for a Youtube Ad feels a bit too much like a long term relationship.

   No, I didn't say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me

   Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.