Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It's fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.

   It's been three days since bono's luggage fell from his private jet and he "still hasn't found what he's looking for" Eh?

   The year is 2026. The iPhone18 is the size of a dump truck. Everything is automatically sepia toned. Air is pumpkin spice flavored.

   If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.

   Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....

   When you realize Charles Manson is getting more play than you!

   You're just once young but you can be a fool for the rest of your life.

   Why are there no mirrors in the self checkout?.....Slow people, take your time to get that jokke....

   Bill Cosby shoved pudding pops up my a$$, then things got weird.

   I have an overwhelming urge to give the weatherman a swirly while screaming; "HERE'S A POLAR VORTEX FOR YOU BEE-OTCH!!!"

   If a baby comes out with an Afro, is that considered Natural child birth?

   Victoria's Secret: She vomits after every meal.

   My safe word is: I have 3 kids!

   It's funny how a baby who wakes to eat and goes right back to sleep is a good baby yet, this is is definition of a crummy husband!

   Women may never understand the enjoyment from putting a warm coffee mug between their legs in the morning. ‪#‎warmnuts

   Kim Kardashian's daughter must be wishing she was on that missing malaysian plane

   Beware the "filters on every selfie" woman.

   Never date a woman over 35 whose cats are named after fashion designers.

   "Don't try to understand everything. Sometimes it is not meant to be understood, just accepted"; it means, I need money, or I'm idiot, or I'm crazy.

   Walked into Walmart and met a woman who had one callus on her toe. Does that make her a unicorn? Imagine that You can see unicorns at Walmart