Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't get the cork off my dinner.

   I'm just a boy, standing in front of a hole, wondering if I might find glory on the other side.

   A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.

   Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I'm a ball of fun when I black out.

   Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.

   I'm worried for my friend. He hasn't shared a blog article about the secret to happiness in weeks.

   You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.

   All I'm saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we're all french toast.

   What she said: "I'd make great wife material" What I heard: "I'm going to nag you to death and never touch your d*ck"

   There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.

   Don't have phone sex...or you might get hearing aids

   I got this new device to help me stop smoking. It's a lighter that won't f*ckin work

   Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months. So fellas, wash your socks.

   Ladies walk the dog don't let the dog walk you

   My life's great I'm just missing that significant other

   My Wife told me to stop impersonating a Flamingo..............I had to put my foot down

   I don't chase after girls... unless I have my inhaler with me.

   Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows give you advice about life

   Last night my son wanted me to take him to see scary monsters at a haunted house, but I needed beer. We compromised and I took him to Walmart

   it weird that I'm 37 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and possibly one cat?