Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades..

   Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap? Hells Bells! I must say, I'm Thunderstruck. I know it's a Long Way To The Top, and if You Want Blood, you'd better Shoot To Thrill with a Big Gun, but still he must have some Big Balls. I guess Money Talks...

   MSNBC: quickly moving back to Bridgegate....CNN: quickly moving back to missing airplane.....Fox News: laughing their asses off......

   I admit Mr. Ed was a pretty clever horse, but I'll bet he didn't write his own lines!

   It's like I'm the only one in this gym who thinks groin fitness is important.

   Snoring is just God's way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.

   What do you mean you don't know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

   People are always saying "live and learn" and I'm all like whoa, whoa, whoa...one thing at a time please.

   I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me

   I just read that Kim K is taking some "time off work be with her daughter" but she doesn't have a job so now I'm confused

   The best thing about falling over when you're home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.

   Hang in there poor people. Only 2 more years until Democrats pretend to care about you again.

   Woke up screaming Sunday morning. My apologies to everyone at church...

   Obama was so upset this morning from last night's election results, that he's only playing 9 holes of golf instead of 18!!!

   Nothing is more terrifying than making eye contact with the guy running that mall kiosk.

   Now THAT's change I can believe in......

   Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...

   Nice hash-tag Dallas Cowboys, but I do agree, ‪#‎CowboySUK‬! errrr....CowboysUK I mean....

   “In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.”

   A shot of vodka a day keeps the sad away!