Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought of going Amish once....I didn't have the WHEEL POWER to do it

   No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.

   If I've offended you, you need more help than I do.

   I'm amazed at how some people have survived this far in life

   People with multiple personalities scare me. Speak for yourself b*tch. That's right, you heard him.

   My lady garden could really use a nice face plant.

   I don't know what everyone's complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents' basement.

   Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.

   Majority of Religious people have given religion a bad name.

   Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.

   Nice try whatsapp but I still don't feel bad about ignoring people's messages.

   The condoms need to be located in the fu*king baby aisle Next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans

   If video games have taught me anything, it's that if you encounter enemies then you're going the right way.

   I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.

   Buy a "World's Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.

   Play Closing Time at my funeral because it's likely I died trying to change the radio station when it came on.

   You're saying, “Capital punishment shouldn't even be a debate. You deserve to be put to death if you take a life." You mean, you’ve never been wrongfully accused of doing something or the justice system is an angel.

   One thing parenting has taught me- telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows

   If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile and talk about when you're old

   I've got my injury from the Vietnam war, it was from a hunting accident while hiding in Canada