Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Over the weekend in California — a big one, a 6.0 earthquake. It was so powerful that Lindsey Lohan was driving on the right side of the road.

   In The News: Ferguson protest moves to St. Louis....... Why?, Because there's nothing left to steal in Ferguson!

   I don't mind when others use my gun for target practice...it's always nice to have a second set of finger prints on a gun.

   I nominate Stephen Hawkings for the ice bucket challenge.

   When all else fails, go nude.

   Very nervous to use the bathroom because I ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight

   I have to be careful. I have an image to protect. You know, the one where I appear to be listening to what you say.

   When someone you hate gets shot: Omg is the bullet ok?

   Why is it that when you finally make something idiot-proof along comes a better idiot?

   I just passed the local college andsaw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college in all of my life.

   Bigger isn't always better. Thighs, for example.

   I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.

   You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma'am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?

   I am wondering if all of the pot seized by police in other states can be sold to the stoners in Colorado and Washington?

   It's true, opposites attract. My wife gets up early and does stuff.

   I wonder who the first person to see a pig lying in it's own poo and say "I bet that is the tastiest animal on the planet."

   I'm trying to live healthier......but I'm considering taking up cigars, since they're still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.

   Burger King has accepted the Tax Duck-it Challenge. They have no challenged Yum Brands, Panera Bread, and White Castle. You have 24 hours or you will have to donate $8 billion to Obama's Economic Patriotism initiative.

   I went to the zoo to see if we really are related to monkeys, and one of them threw poo at me. That’s my cousin jim bob alright

   Never the trendsetter his cousin Davy was, explorer Stevie Crockett failed in his attempt to popularize the skunkskin cap