Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I played your newborn like an air guitar. Also if you cut me off during Master of Puppets again you can find a new babysitter.

   I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.

   Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

   Proud to say I weigh the same today as I did in high school. I was a fat ass then, too.

   Went to the Dr today and he said I should've died 3 years ago. So, I guess I'm immortal!!

   I just got a job in a reggae band playing the triangle, I just stand at the back n ting

   The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

   Me, at Wal-Mart: Why is there a buckle on this ski rope? Sir, that's a belt.

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon

   My teenage daughter says I'm not cool, what does she know. *takes out phone from fanny pack to write this status update*

   Some of my best memories are naps.

   K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.

   Are you sick and tired of having sex? Ask your doctor if 'marriage' is right for you!

   Am I the only one who's ever seen a fat ugly lady at Walmart with 7 screaming kids...and think who keeps doing you!

   I'm not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"

   The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.

   Be the reason someone sighs today.

   It may be a tell-tale sign that I'm spending too much time online when the dogs recognize the sound of my computer shutting down and get excited about it.

   "LOL" is the new way of saying "I really have nothing to say."

   I almost had a 3som last night, I just needed 2 more people.