Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing us that there is soul mate out there for all of us. What if your soulmate existed at a different timeline, and you missed each other by 2 centuries?

   And that attracts men who like a woman who doesn't spit. . .

   75% of women who smoke swallow. . .

   You know what? Some countries used to SCREEN applicants who were applying for citizenship, and wouldn't allow those who had even the SLIGHTEST ties to extremist groups ENTRY into their lands.

   A woman who smokes automatically becomes 75% less attractive to most guys.

   Ice bucket challenge: als foundation admits less than 27% of donations fund research and cures

   "kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem

   Don’t be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they’re still getting an answer.

   The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single last one of them.

   Most stress is caused by three things: family, money, and family with no money.

   When my phone dies and I don’t have a charger, I might as well be Amish.

   Girls cant find their wallets, shoes or car keys but they sure as hell can remember something you said 8 months ago

   Does anyone else ever just take a couple of ibuprofin, just in case?

   Dont go broke trying to look RICH. Act your wage!

   I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.

   There is nothing more painful than watching the new girl make the sandwiches at Subways.

   I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.

   I channel my white side when I'm approached by the cops..

   So, that's $27 million for ALS research? Feels great!!

   my vodka just did the ice bucket challenge.