Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"

   I never thought Charles Manson would be having a better week than Bill Cosby.

   Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

   When you consider names for your baby,,,, it's important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.

   "Hospice," contrary to popular belief,,, was not one of the Spice Girls.

   Disappointed to learn it's not going to kill me ... because I'm done with waiting for it to make me stronger.

   I suspect that my local Wal-Mart's selling knock-off canned spaghetti... I'd investigate,, but I'm worried it'll open a whole can of worms.

   Next Saturday is Small Business Saturday. AKA local liquor store Saturday.

   Bill Cosby loves pudding. Yeah, pudding his schlong where it don't belong!

   Native American: So you are against imigrants. Splendid, when did you leave?

   I missed a period in that last status. I hope I'm not pregnant!!!

   My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

   I'm leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

   When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "you did this."

   why is the wedding cake at a Portuguese wedding made out of S#it? It's to keep the flies off the bride.

   my anaconda be starving

   As an Atheist, When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian..."

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Domino's."

   God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money...

   When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian..."