Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know

   Energetic people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead", are already dead to me.

   My favote colleges are Ball State and Bring 'em Young.

   When I grow up, I wanna be the guy in the fluffy suit that police dogs attack!!!

   Just changed my iTunes password to "password".... and now I just have to wait for all of my nudes to be leaked.

   Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.

   My favorite collage is Morehead State, my favorite fish is the suckerfish and my favorite bird is the swallow. Are you taking notes ladies?

   they found the body of the guy who stole all the celebrity's nude photos. Apparently he has been high fived to death.

   If you think your life is bad, just remember that Stevie Wonder will never ever see Jennifer Lawrence's leaked nudes.

   The guy who leaked the Jennifer Lawrence pictures may be the first man to ever die of too many hi fives

   Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

   What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

   Dear radio and TV stations. There's a 100% likelihood I'm changing the station the second I hear a car commercial.

   Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

   If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

   If you really want to get under someone's skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.

   I'm just here for the relationship advice from single people.

   A women's clothes tell you a lot about her mood. If they are on your bedroom floor, she's horny.

   "Kicking butt and forgetting names!" - Alzheimer's Fight Club

   Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man.