Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I'm thinking savings isn't the only thing you will catch at Walmart...

   I'll believe the President cares about net neutrality when he tells us if we like our internet provider, we can keep it.

   Preferred Forms of Contact (In Order): 1) Email 2) Text 3) Social Media 4) Group Message 5) entering My Shower in a "Scream" Mask 6) Phone

   if I had a choice between ending world hunger and seeing a mountain lion play a guitar solo, everyone would eat but i'd regret it forever

   A real woman does not have a "wrong hole".

   I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

   Guys nowadays are so whiny,"these handcuffs are too tight" "there's not enough air in this trunk" "why are you branding your name on my ass"

   Don't half ass it. It's not a real nap unless you take your pants off.

   There is a guy here at work who calls me "Chief." There's another a guy here who calls me "Partner." They must think I'm a double-agent in some secret Cowboys and Indians war.

   This time can Ben Affleck stay behind instead so we can find a suitable Batman?

   A fool always rushes to the front row.

   Now if we can land Kim Kardashian, on a comet

   I don't understand prescription medication commercials because if I have to tell the doctor what medications I need then a new doctor.

   None of this would've happened if Michael Brown was white because he would have been home studying...

   Eggnog!.. The only b*tch I'm excited to hear back from after 9 months of absence."

   Most of my verbal communication is just burps and grunts.

   How do they even grow a boneless chicken?

   "so that's what Kim Kardashian's ass looks like" said no one ever.

   Woke up naked and looking so sexy my shower got turned on.

   I don't know about breaking the Internet but Kim's azz will probably break anything it sits on.