Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "They're like a sponge at this age" I say to the parents of the baby I'm using to scrub dishes with.

   I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds

   There's already four people camped out in NYC waiting for the new iPhone, in case you weren't sure why the terrorists hate us.

   Ok, I'm finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

   No means no, except through duct tape. It sounds a lot like yes.

   If I hit my breaks hard, automatically let the hazard lights go off! - future car makers!!

   I impress people by referring to my friends or followers as my "entourage" and my status updates as my "portfolio". In return, people refer to me as a "d*ck".

   I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights

   My Wife woke me up at 3:00AM for some fun. So here I am at CVS buying batteries.

   Ladies always think I'm staring at them because I think they're hot. That's not true. I'm staring at them because I'm creepy.

   My small-town police dept has 2 armored vehicles and a grenade launcher just in case someone forgets to pay for their Caramel Macchiato.

   I hate it when a couple starts kissing in front of you, and because you don't know what to do, you just join in with the kissing

   I always see more people walking into Sam's Club than out of Sam's Club, but the meat's cheap, so I don't ask questions.

   *buys 3D printer,,,,,, still can't make friends*

   Dear Santa, please help my dad find some milk and cigarettes so he can finally come home

   Am I the only one sad that Nick Cannon and his Mom are breaking up?

   WebMD says this thing on my back is called a Wife, and, left untreated, it is usually fatal.

   When I want to break up with a person, I wait until they're sitting in my car, then I press the button that disables the passenger air bag.

   Million dollar idea: Vasectomy booth at Disney World exit.

   I know they say cell phones have more germs then toilets,,,,,, But I'm just not tasting that much of a difference