Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if a white NFL player spanked his kid, then that would be ok according to the dorks here

   I knew the struggle was real when I had to use a straw to get every last drop out of the whiskey bottle.

   Sometimes you need a drunken nap in the bathroom before you go to bed. Thats all.

   How many self defense classes are required before I can date someone in the NFL?

   Hey NFL,solution to your recent problem,start allowing players to hit each other on the field again......

   Yesterday I heard a young white kid tell his mom "I hate you and you annoy me, you stupid b*tch" Then a black woman slapped me just for hearing it

   Sorry I pissed on your leg. I thought you were flirting with me.

   That's easy, here, hold my beer for a sec..

   Disappointed with the NFL's decision to suspen Peterson. I could see if he spanked someone else's kid, but his own?

   Budweiser tells the league to suspend Peterson, and they wonder why the NFL is failing. Who cares of aa player spanked his kid, seriously.

   Dear Scotland, if you choose to go it alone we dont want drunken texts in a few months time saying what a huge mistake it was. Yours England

   I often wonder how that happens. He looks 100, she looks 30. Oh right, money can buy you anything. Than she is not worth it no matter how beautiful she is. . .

   too much weed & you're "high".....too much beer & you're "drunk".....do both at same time & I become a "HUNK"

   Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer was arrested Wednesday for domestic violence, according to reports. Let's see, we have Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice and now this idiot accused of domestic violence. Is this a running back thing?

   I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.

   *Shows up to crime scene on camel drawn carriage....."O.K.,,Prepare to get,, *lowers shades*,,, humped"

   I hate it when I think i'm buying organic vegetables but when I get home they are just regular donuts.

   In the 1800s the lives of sea creatures were improved with the invention of the electric eel. Previously they could only read by candlefish.

   Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy

   somehow,the NFL must find itself wishing Richie Incognito was still it's worse bully.