Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If nobody has unfriended, deleted, blocked or reported you to the Admin, then you are doing Facebook wrong.

   Christmas Gift idea: Take her to the Planetarium so she can see the world doesn't revolve around her.

   It's always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.

   I don't want to be the creepy old guy. I mean, I am, but I don't want to be.

   Played with fire and caught the feelings. Stupid feelings.

   BREAKING: Kazakhstan threatens retaliation over release of BORAT.

   The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.

   Met a girl tonight at the Fox and the Hound she said she has 3 tattoos. She said if I get her drunk enough she'll show me. She said she has a bird in her hand and two in her........

   Thought I was doing jello shots at a ugly sweater party, turned out to be Bill Cosby's house

   Due to hacking and terror threats, I'm canceling my Christmas film "Kim Jong merrily on high"!

   After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.

   You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?

   Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?

   Prayers need for our neighbors, their son was repossessed by the In vitro fertilization clinic

   Honestly, we should be thanking North Korea from wasting our time on another awful Seth Rogen movie.

   It's too bad North Korea couldn't have gotten the new Night at the Museum movie canceled instead...

   Life is too short to remove the USB safely.

   Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

   Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

   Apparently a guy in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 is the limit fellas.