Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If that dress isn't Gold and White I'm not living

   the traditional 15th anniversary gift is crystal, but my wife gave me wood.

   Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.

   "The internet is so cool!....I just wish it was more like the electric company" - said no one ever

   Only in SC, would they close schools, universities, libraries, and declare a 'state of emergency' for snow that other states would consider to be a 'snow dusting'. I'm sure Boston would love type of snow that SC has that melts before noon.

   "I'm not very photogenic" in other words you're ugly.

   I don't see what the big deal is with the legalization of pot in Washington D.C. is...I always thought those people were smoking something anyway.

   People who type awe when you mean aww, look up the definition of awe. I’ll wait. Yeah, see? So stop doing that.

   69... Some might call it nasty... I call it a romantic dinner for 2

   Kylie Jenner is 17 and just bought a house at $2.7 million and I have to think twice before adding guacamole at Chipotle

   one time I came home early and walked in on my dog pretending to be me. he was just lying on the floor sighing but I know it was me

   No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

   Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...

   Damn it...... I've been eating Thin Mints like crazy and haven't lost a freakin pound?

   Weed in DC? Oh that's really going to slow things down.... oh wait....never mind!

   I asked my wife for a blowjob, she told me she gave blowjobs up for lint. So I brought home my girlfriend.

   The mind is everything my friends; what you think long enough... you eventually become.

   Madonna just thanked everyone for their prayers on her CompuServe account.

   Can you beleive that some cultures still communicate with a series of clicks and primitive heirglyphs? *clicks furiously at keyboard* *adds 17 emojis*

   My husband confrimed my suspicions that he never wants to have sex again when he told me the house isn't clean enough.